A <pedant> writes </pedant>
Men Are From Arse, Women Are From Penis
An extract from the <pedant>'s forthcoming
book
There are no two ways about it - being in a relationship is a complete
waste of time and energy. No matter what your gender or orientation,
there is simply no such thing as a man or a woman who is worth
devoting your exclusive attention to for any definite or indefinite
period, unless they are actually paying you.
Despite this, due to all kinds of peculiar and illusory notions we
carry around despite ourselves, such as 'libido' 'self-esteem', or
'parenthood', we often find ourselves trapped in a situation where we
are, as it is said, 'seeing' some one or other, on a regular basis,
hopefully for sex.
A quick note - if no sex is involved in the relationship, you are
almost certainly reading the wrong book. If you are related to the
person involved, you are definitely reading the wrong book. If the
person is imaginary, uh, that's fine. You should buy and read all our
other books too - they're all written specially for you.
Regardless of these useful if digressory points, it is a well-known
phenomenon in relationships, both those that are and those that should
be sexual, that each of us has a tendency to find ways of excusing
those little pecadillos in our significant other that are in fact
driving all our friends round the bend and making them hate us. When
in the process of removing this useless clutter from our lives, it is
not uncommon to find a strong urge to give up on the task, to 'see
things through', and to be forgiving. Doing so, of course, leads to
unmitigated disaster, which is why it is useful to bear in mind that
there are almost always at least five extremely good reasons not to
bother with any given person, no matter what their gender or
orientation. Men, in short, are from Arse, while women, who are no
better, are from Penis.
In order to make sure that we keep this in mind, there follows a five
point checklist for each sex explaining why there is really no point
bothering with them too much in the first place. These lists can be
usefully referred back to in moments of doubt - remember, the more you
generalise about the relationship you are in and see your partner in
terms of some kind of stereotype associated with their gender, the
less you have to actually deal with all the complicated and unexpected
stuff that comes from actual emotional contact with real human beings,
which is usually the main motivation any of us have for wanting to get
the hell out of any given relationship (barring obvious stuff like
'keeps attacking me with an axe', which, by the way, is a problem
simply solved by merely leaving the house and calling the police,
unless you have already been hit with the axe, in which case you
really ought to think of a better strategy than reading this book,
which, I am afraid, is unlikely to be of much help at this stage,
though you could try throwing it at them) in the first
place. Herewith the lists:
Men Are From Arse
- Men are insensitive. Men are so insensitive, they are
insensitive to the fact that most people - especially women - in
relationships with men are actually extremely glad of this. It
makes them much easier to manipulate. However, more and more men
are attempting to overcome this by adopting an attitude of fake
sensitivity that can be seen through from a distance of
five hundred meters. They are, of course, completely oblivious
to the fact that a) no-one buys it, and b) no-one wants it
anyway.
- Men are simple. Bluntly, they are intellectually timid, with
good reason, since they are rarely particularly bright, no
matter how clever they might think they are (and they usually
do). Men get together in groups to tell each other how clever
they think they are, by setting up specially limited systems
(such as cars, computers, football games etc) the entire
intellectual core of which can usually be assimilated in an
afternoon. They then spend inordinate amounts of time operating
solely within these painfully tiny intellectual spaces,
believing themselves to be doing something worthwhile. There is
never any point in trying to argue with them about this.
- Men are sentimental. And for all the wrong things, in all the
wrong ways, in all the wrong places. Men will cry, quite
genuinely, over sports events that have had a different result
from the one they would have preferred. Men will hang on to
jumpers and other items of clothing that are so old and
threadbare as to be completely useless as actual clothing if
they are not actually virtually walking around the room by
themselves due to not having been washed properly for over a
year. Yet there is a common thread to all these male
sentimentalities - they all in some way related to the man
himself, usually to something in his past for which he imagines
himself to feel affection. Male sentimentality is usually
nothing more than a screen for self-obsession, and, as with
their stupidity, there is rarely any point in telling them
this, unless you wish to upset them deliberately, which may be
no bad thing.
- Men are smelly. This is partly due to the natural processes of
biology, which dictate that a man shall produce an unpleasant
odour from his whole body no less than twenty-four hours after
the last time he washed it, and sooner than that if he has been
doing any kind of physical work or exercise. Despite this, it is
quite clear that most men have little or no idea of the concept
of 'laundry' or of 'hygeine', and usually require extensive
coaching in both subjects. A tip for the sanity-conscious - let
someone else be the mug who actually does that coaching. You
have better things to do with your life. And you don't need to
live with their socks.
- Men are, in short, from Arse. They are by turns stupid,
insensitive, sickly-sentimental, and in the unlikely event that
they themselves do not currently smell, they have probably left
something somewhere in your house which does. Or they will do
soon. Don't let them.
Women Are From Penis
- Women are manipulative. In a relationship, you can tell when a
woman is lying to you, because her mouth moves. Women don't want
their partners to be honest with them, and they certainly have
no intention of being honest with their partners. Honesty is
something they keep for their close friends, and the last thing
they want to hear from a partner is the honest truth about
themselves, the partner, the relationship, their appearance,
their career, their taste or anything. However, this is rarely a
problem for most women, since in practice their partners are
usually kept trapped in some verbal bind or other, in order to
make sure that they are still there the next time the woman
needs them to go and do something for her.
- Women are illogical. It is not possible to have a sensible
discussion with a woman on any topic, since there is no common
ground of logic on which the topic can be discussed. You can
always, if you wish, and if the topic is one in which she has
some interest, ascertain her opinion on that topic simply by
asking, though you must be prepared for an answer which runs to
some length, and you must also be prepared to sit through her
equally verbose opinions on seven entirely unrelated topics,
which she will insist on flitting between unexpectedly at
random, sometimes over a period of several years.
- Women are venal. Their sexuality is somehow directly wired to
their partner's bank account. There are no female
philanthropists - only men give their money away. While there
are many women involved in charity work, you will notice that
they are usually involved in events designed to induce other
people - not themselves - to donate to the given
charity. Naturally, many women involved in charity work earn a
good salary for doing so, though it is best to be wearing some
kind of armoured suit if you ever propose to actually point this
out to them.
- Women are vain. Unbelievably vain. Never, ever, trust a woman
who tries to tell you that really, her appearance isn't at all
important to her or her self-image. This is a trap designed
ultimately to get you to do something for her, or to get back at
you for something, or both. The more attractive a woman appears
to be, the more of a minefield the subject of her appearance is
likely to become, and there is no way of winning here, because
if you don't bring the subject up, she will. Indeed, in addition
to being vain, women are dangerous. You wouldn't deliberately
spend your life with a tarantula - and anyone with an iota of
common sense would approach women with the same kind of
attitude.
- Women are, in short, from Penis. They are mendacious, illogical,
venal, self-obsessed psychopaths, and if the one you are
involved with hasn't attacked you or conned you out of something
yet, the truth is probably that they have, but you haven't
realised it. You won't know until you're out of there.
In short, neither men nor women are worth spending one's life
with. However, as we shall see, the above intrinsic weaknesses in the
vast majority of members of each gender can usually be used, pretty
simply, in order to get them to leave of their own accord, as well as
to remind ourselves why we wanted them gone in the first place, should
we endure a sudden, irrational moment of doubt.
The <pedant> is currently seeking a publisher for the book,
Men Are From Arse, Women Are From Penis. And yes, you would be
right in thinking that it has been an incredibly long time since they
last got laid by anyone of either sex. Thanks.