The Fool - Chapter Seven ======================== I - I wake up pinned to the bed by my grin, but Beth is already dressing. "Get up," she says. "It's a lovely day." I look out of the window at the overcast sky, then back at Beth. She is lovely. I look back at the solid mass of grey cloud in the window. "Yes," I agree. "A lovely day." Beth disappears out of the door, and I hear water boiling. "Grey," I say, more loudly. "Overcast. Miserable. Lovely." I am answered by Beth performing paradiddles from the kitchen. "Dim," I continue, in a crescendo. "Dull. Heavy. Stagnant. "Grey," I yell, absurdly, as she returns with mugs of coffee; there is one white mug and one black mug. "You already said 'grey'." She smiles oddly. "And yes, it is grey and miserable - perfect weather." "Perfect weather for what?" I ask, bewildered, gingerly accepting the proffered black mug of coffee. "For me," she answers. "Like it or lump it. You wanted sugar in your coffee?" "No, er, yes," I say. "Good, because I can't remember if I put sugar in or not." "Whatever." I sip gratefully at the coffee. "I want to see the sea," she says, after a pause. "Let's go to Brighton then." "How will we get there?" "I'll drive." A look of astonishment passes over her face. "You have a car?" It is as if it had never occurred to her that such a thing could be the case. "Yes," I say, stoutly. "I have a car." "But you always take the bus." "No, sometimes I drive. Sometimes I take the bus and sometimes I drive." "Oh." II -- "The thing is, Adam," Beth tells me, "no-one ever actually went anywhere. They're all still here. In one form or another." We are in my car, heading South. I say heading, though crawling would be more accurate. It is as if the entirety of the A23 is one long traffic jam all the way from London to Brighton, which, for all I know, on a Saturday afternoon, it may be. We've been in the car an hour, and are barely out of Streatham. "How do you know?" I ask. "I just know," she says. "It's not something I need to question. It's just a given." I am silent a while. "Look," I say eventually, "You can hardly accuse me of being a sceptic or anything, and I like to think that I'm open to different ways of looking at the world, but you are aware that..." "Yes yes," she interrupts. "It's not something that people like to think about. Though there are many more people in the world who believe it than you'd think. I mean, you've heard of ancestor worship, right? What do you think that's for?" "Uh..." "If everyone who has ever lived is actually still around, that changes everything. For a start, there's more of them than there are of us." "Jesus," I say. "There's six billion of us." "Yes," she says. "That's right. Six billion of us, and about the same amount again - slightly more, in fact, of..." "Of?" She looks out of the passenger window a moment. "Of them," she says. "Spirits." III --- "So how does that fit in with your mum?" I ask, somewhere in between Croydon and Coulsdon. Beth frowns. "How do you mean?" "I mean, you're clearly not that into your mum's temple or..." "I never said that." She cuts me off. "Please don't misunderstand me. The reason that I'm not one of my mother's most devoted disciples is... is..." "Is what?" "It's hard to say." "Ok." I watch the road in silence a while. "When I was small, and my parents were still together..." Beth begins, and then falters. "When I was little," she continues, "my parents didn't have much money. All they had was the temple, which they were living in, along with four or five other people." "Uhu," I say, to show I am listening. "When I was born, apparently, everything started turning around. They thought it was because of me." "They what?" "Because of me. The temple received one or two large donations, more and more people started getting involved, they were able to open a shop, start selling books, candles and so on." "Ok." "And I got the credit. Or the blame. Until I was about eleven or so, I was practically worshipped by the whole temple. They set the whole thing up around me. As a goddess, of sorts. They used to dress me in robes and sit me on the big throne and give me sweets, and ask me questions, and whatever I said, they would take it seriously." "What happened?" I mumble. "I don't know, really. Things changed. The theology changed. My parents split up. The temple was closed for a while. I wasn't goddess any more. "That was fine, because it never felt right in the first place. Then, when everything started up again, I was too old. Or they no longer needed a live avatar in the form of a child. "Or they'd all finally grown the fuck up and realised that what they'd been doing before was a load of old shit. I don't really know." "Wow," I say. "Coulsdon." "But you see... eh?" "Oh, we just got to Coulsdon. Sorry. I am listening." Beth frowns. I make a mental note not to say place-names out loud while she is talking. IV -- Beth is silent a long while, staring out of the window at Coulsdon as it passes. "So that's it, Adam," she says eventually. "That's why my mother's temple... why I'm not one of her disciples." "Wow," I say. "I'm kind of resentful, really," Beth continues. "I don't think it can have been healthy for me at all as a child." "Doesn't seem to have done you too much harm," I say, instantly regretting it. "You mean I'm not just blatantly a weirdo," she says. "Well maybe not. I mean it doesn't bother me." "Right," I say. "How can it bother me to be treated as a weirdo now, when they've been treating me as a weirdo my whole life." "Right," I say. "I'm hungry," she says. "Can we stop somewhere and get something to eat?" V - "There's the Little Chef," I say, as we pass it. "Oh never mind," she says, unenthusiastically. "I can wait till we get to Brighton." "It's not a long drive," I say. "No," she says. The A23 has become the M23, and the road has miraculously cleared for a stretch. I am able to take the car to speeds as fast as eighty miles an hour before the juddering starts to actually scare me. A clear road and a grey sky. I feel a weight lift from me as we pass the junction with the M25 ring road, and boggle at the lack of cars. "It's... usually blocked here. Wow," I say. "No traffic at all. Well, not traffic traffic." "Mmm?" she says. "It's great to get out of London," I say. "Mmm," she says, staring directly out of the window. VI -- By the time we get to Brighton it has grown dark, but we park the car on the sea-front anyway, and go for a walk along the pebbled beach down to the sea. I attempt to skim a few stones, and fail, miserably - they are too fat and too heavy. Beth stoops to pick up a stone, and sends it effortlessly gliding across the water. One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... The stone disappears in circles of ripples. She turns and laughs wildly. "Hah," she says. "Beat that." I attempt another couple of stones, but no matter what I do, I seem unable to get them to bounce more than once or twice. "You're crap," says Beth. "Thanks," I tell her. We walk up the beach a little way. It is growing dark, and clumps of hippies are clustered around fires on the beach. Beth stoops a second time for a stone, takes a few steps to the water, and sends it too skimming out of visible range. "That's how it's done," she says. "Thanks," I tell her. "You're just crap," says Beth. She hugs me affectionately then punches me on the arm, hard. It hurts. "Ow," I say. "You are crap," she laughs, taking me by the hand. "Let's go to the pub. You can't drink, because you're crap and you're driving." "Thanks," I say. "What pub? We're in Brighton." "Oh, this way," she says, leading me by the hand back up to the road and along, round a corner and into the backstreets. VII --- "You know Brighton well," I say, lost. "Oh yeah," she says. "Didn't I tell you? I used to live here." "Oh," I mumble. "When was that?" "Well," she says, "I more or less grew up here, to the extent that I grew up." She is talking without turning round, walking at a terrific pace. "My mum moved to London when I was thirteen. Then I came back here for college. Hang on." All at once she lets go of my hand and disappears into a pub. I am left standing in the street in complete amazement for a few moments, before I come to my senses and slowly start making my way to follow her in through the door. I meet her on her way out, and she takes me by the shoulders and spins me round. "No no," she says. "Not here." She pushes me forwards. "This way," she says. She leads me to a different pub, at the end of the street and round the corner. "Here," she says. We go in. Beth turns to me. "You can have one pint, can't you." She is telling me, not asking. I nod, and we are soon sat at a corner table with our pints, a Guinness for me and a Hoegaarden blanche for her. She raises her glass. "Cheers," she says. VIII ---- We finish our pints. Beth looks at me. "You know what," she says. "I'm sure we'll be able to find somewhere to crash in Brighton tonight. Why don't you have another pint?" I go to the bar, and watch her making a call from her mobile. By the time I return with the drinks we are joined by two very tall, very stoned people in ponytailed dreadlocks, who Beth introduces as Jason and Annie. Jason meanders over to the bar as I sit down with the drinks, and Annie stands there beaming at Beth with huge stoned eyes. "Wow," says Annie. "Hey," says Beth. "Sit down, you're making me tired just looking at you." Annie sits down. "It's so good to see you, Beth." "Good to see you too, Annie," says Beth. "How's things?" "Yeah, things are good," says Annie. "And how's Spud?" says Beth. Annie laughs. "Oh, Spud. Yeah, mad as ever. Haven't seen him for a while actually. Last I heard he was off to New York for some gig, but I don't know what happened." Jason returns with the drinks. "New York?" he says. "Who's in New York?" "Spud," says Annie. "Oh no," says Jason. "No he came back from New York." IX -- I am at some kind of club. We, I should say, are at some kind of club. I have had some kind of pill. I am not sure what it was. Jason had them - we all had one each. I am not feeling great. I have a bottle of water, which I am sipping from regularly. The club is heaving with sweaty dancing people. I don't know what this music is but I don't like it. Or maybe it's just me. Somewhere in amongst them are my friends, Beth, Annie, and Jason. I cannot see them anywhere. I find a spot to sit down. My head is throbbing. The music also is throbbing. I wish my head would at least throb in time to the music. It does not. I have to go somewhere else. Standing is not ever so easy, but I manage it, with the aid of a passing pair of angels in light blue costumes who grab an elbow each as I stagger to my feet and stumble awkwardly in the flickering light show. "You alright mate?" they bellow, one in each ear. "Oh yeah," I mumble. "Chill out room's over there mate," one of them informs me, indicating a direction. I follow his finger and pass through a narrow corridor into a much quieter room, with incense, cushions, and ambient bleepy music. There is a free cushion in one corner. I recline on it, lighting a cigarette with fumbling hands. Heaven. X - I am flying through the inky blackness of space, in a vehicle drawn by what looks like a pair of space-swimming fish, a sea of stars flickering in the distance about us on all sides. I am wearing a large white badge with a red wheel on it, and in my right hand is a golden wand. On my head is a crown set with a single jewel, and my chest is hung heavy with a breastplate set with crystals. The crystals are pulsating like the lights on the front of a computer, and I am, for some reason, extremely scared. A crystal ball with wings appears from nowhere and lands at my feet; the ball is singing something over and over, but I do not catch the words. They calm me down, however, and all at once I know what to do. Slowly I remove the large white badge, and hold it out in my left hand, towards the ball. The ball raises its wings, and all at once starts flapping them at an enormous rate, like a hummingbird, and as it raises up off the floor, I see it is not crystal at all, but hollow, paper thin, made of some crystalline transparent substance, light as anything. The ball extends a pair of clawed feet and grabbing the badge, soars above and behind me at great speed. I twist to follow its path but the thing is gone, and the badge with it. I am struck with the sense that I have fucked up.