The Fool - Chapter Eleven ========================= I - As we are leaving Mystery Hall, I suggest to the other Bulls that we go for a drink, but they politely decline and disappear off in different directions. I shrug, and go to the pub anyway, feeling a need to sit and digest what I have just experienced. The first thing I see when I get inside the pub is the pretty goth girl, sitting on her own at the bar, reading her book. She looks up as I walk in, regards me for a moment with a not particularly friendly stare, and looks down again. I ignore her and order a pint. I am about to take my first sip when my phone rings. "Hi Beth," I say. "Hi. It's Beth. We're about to play. Wish me luck." "Good luck," I say. "Knock 'em dead. You always do." "Thanks," she says. "Thanks Adam. Really thank you. Alright, I've got to go." She hangs up. I shrug. "Bye Beth," I say to the dead phone, redundantly. As I am returning the phone to my pocket, I notice that the goth girl is looking at me oddly, with a peculiar kind of smile on her face. "Excuse me," she says, "but can I just ask... do you know... Beth?" "Certainly do," I say. "That was her on the phone just now." "I mean Beth the archpriestess's daughter." "That's right. That was her on the phone just now." "Oh," says the goth girl, her smile widening. She extends her right hand towards me. "Hi, I'm Lily." II -- "Hi Lily," I say. "I'm Adam." I raise my glass to her. My god but she is tall. And pretty. And those legs. "Your good health," I say. "Cheers," she says, looking me in the eyes and clinking her glass against mine. "So," I say, "How do you know Beth?" She is silent a moment. "Well I don't, really," she says, eventually. "But I'm been in the S.o.M. a few years now, so I've kind of seen her around. And I've heard a lot about her. You know." "Oh," I say, trying not to stare at her legs. "How about you?" she smiles. "Well, um, I don't know really," I say. "We only met a few weeks ago, really, and..." "Oh, are you going out?" "Well... um..." She laughs. "You're seeing each other," she tells me. "Yes," I say. "We're seeing each other." "Well," says Lily. "Good luck." "Good luck?" I say. "What does that mean?" "Nothing," she says. "Just good luck. I hope it all works out. You know." I am silent a while. "So," I say, eventually, "You've been in the S.o.M. a few years." "Yes," she says. "Onward and upward, or onward and inward, more like, as my boyfriend says." "Onward and inward," I repeat. "So you're in the Inner Order, then." She takes a few moments to reply, then says, "Yes, but please don't ask me about it, because I'm not supposed to tell you." "Ok," I say. "Please don't tell me anything you're not supposed to tell me." "I'll tell you this," she says. "You know how the whole S.o.M. is divided into an Outer and Inner Order? Well, the Inner Order is also divided into an Outer Inner Order and an Inner Inner Order. "I think I can tell you... I'm just in the Outer Inner Order. Can I tell you that? I think I can tell you that. Well, I just did tell you that. Anyway. "So even if I did tell you anything I wasn't supposed to tell you, it really wouldn't be very much anyway." III --- "Right," I say, slowly. "That makes sense. I mean, the organisation has to run itself somehow." "Yeah," she says. I finish my pint. "Another drink?" I ask. "No thanks," she says, downing hers, and standing up on those enormously long legs. "Must dash. Off to meet the boyfriend now." Lucky him, I think, as she extends her hand again. "Nice to meet you, Adam." "Nice to meet you, Lily." She really is tall, slightly taller than me even, and she shakes my hand awkwardly. Then in one swift movement, she takes a step forward and kisses me on the cheek. I feel almost as if I have been bitten. "Bye then." She turns and leaves. IV -- I have a last reflective pint, for the road, and decide to leave the pub before deciding that I will have a third after all. I feel oddly apprehensive on the way home, but I can't tell why. I am a little drunk, but not in a bad way. I can see no immediate threat. But there is a slight lump in my throat for some reason, and unless I concentrate, my face seems to relax naturally into a frown. I concentrate on breathing deeply and trying to ignore it. When I finally get home I lie down on my bed and realise suddenly how exhausted I am. But I can't seem to sleep. At around midnight, the phone rings. It's Beth. "Hi Beth," I say. There is a lot of noise in the background, as if she is standing in the middle of a dancefloor somewhere. She is screaming in delight down the phone. "WOO-HOO!" she yells. "Hi," I say. "ADAM!" "You sound like you're having a good time," I tell her. "I am," she says. "Adam, I've got some good news." "Well?" I ask. "Well," she says. "The showcase went pretty well tonight. And from what we just got told, the people from the record company liked it so much, they've offered us a deal on the spot." "Wow," I say. "Yeah wow," she replies. "I just got signed." "So congratulations," I tell her. "I just thought I'd ring and tell you." She sounds distracted, as if other people are trying to talk to her in the background, all at once. "Wow," I say. "Anyway. Got to go. I'll call you soon." And she hangs up. V - I lie back, my head in a whirl, feeling the beginnings of a headache creeping up the back of my neck towards my brain. I feel a twinge of jealousy of all those people at that club or party with Beth, wishing I could be there too. I feel a twinge of irrational sadness too, as if I have lost something. I dismiss this as crazy nonsense, though. I am happy for Beth. I can sense her excitement and her joy. She's been working towards this for years, as far as I can tell. How can I feel anything but glad for her? How dare I, even. Then I remember that I have to be in the office at nine o'clock in the morning, and even if she had asked me to go and meet her I'd have probably said no. This last thought does not please me. I am a sad person, I think. It's even more sad to be a sad person lying there thinking about how sad he is, though, and I try and force the thoughts out of my head and get some sleep. I am exhausted. VI -- I dream, fitfully. First I am a swan, then I am a crow, next I become a ship, sailing towards New York, my bows heavy with cheering people. This part of the dream is black and white, for some reason, and there is something wrong with the Statue of Liberty. The scales aren't balanced, I think at first, and then realise that the whole statue seems to be at an angle. I am no longer the ship, just one of the people standing on deck, watching the coastline. There is a heavy grey cloud overhead, and I am not surprised when the ship turns around. Slowly, I watch the Statue of Liberty sink into the sea and disappear over the horizon. I am filled with sadness. The next thing I know, I am running, somewhere in a barren terrain. I don't know where I am, but I have an urgent sense that I am being chased, and if I don't get away, I'll be done for. Coming over a ridge, I see a church in the valley below me. Maybe I'll be safe there, I think, running towards it as the bells start to ring. The ringing of the bells sound exactly like my phone. I wake up. My phone is ringing. VII --- It is eight thirty-five am, and it is Wednesday morning. Who in hell is ringing me at this time? "Hello?" I attempt to say with those parts of my mouth not stuck to one another from sleep. "Good morning Adam, this is Rochelle from Permatemp. How are you doing? Glad I caught you this morning." "Hi Rochelle," I say. "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news, Adam. Which would you like first?" I pause to consider this a moment, then realise that I have no idea. It makes no difference. "The bad news," I say. "Ok, so the bad news is that Peter Chapman rang me this morning, and told me that they're having a restructuring at the moment, so they don't need any more data entry done. From today." "From today," I repeat, dumbly. "That's right," says Rochelle. "So you don't need to go in today, and we'll pay you up till yesterday as normal." "Ok," I say. "And the good news?" "The good news is that they really are very pleased with you there, they've been looking at your cv, and they've got an urgent vacancy at the moment in their technical department. In fact, they'd like you to start on Monday. As a database programmer. It's a three month contract, and they'll be paying you slightly less than twice what they're paying you now. 28K pro rata, to be exact. How's that?" "Wow," I tell her. "That's, uh, fine by me." "I thought you'd say that, Adam. I'll tell them you accept then. Well done. You must be very pleased." "Er, yes," I say. It's strange, I should be pleased. But I'm not. "I'll send you an email to confirm the details, and I'll call you on Monday to make sure everything's ok. Alright Adam?" "Er... yeah. Sure." "Bye." VIII ---- It makes no sense. It makes no sense at all. I lie back in bed, realising with a lurch that I can, for once, if I want, have a lie-in. The realisation makes me almost giddy. But I am a little worried about this job. Recruiting programmers through an agency like Permatemp is somewhat unusual, to say the least. They did tell me, when I signed up with them a year ago, that very occasionally they did get programming jobs come through, but they emphasised that this was very occasional and I shouldn't count on it. So what exactly is this I've let myself in for? It has to be better than the data entry, though, surely. I lie there staring at the ceiling for a long time. It just makes no sense at all. IX -- A heavy thud at the front door announces that the post has arrived. On impulse I get up and, wrapping myself in my dressing gown, go to check if anything has arrived for me. Something has. A book-shaped parcel. No return address. Strange. I open the parcel. It is indeed a book. It is 'Secrets Of The Society Of Mysteries,' by Dora, Archpriestess of Venus Myrionymous, no less. And there is a note. "Dear Adam, Now you are a fully fledged Bull, I thought I'd send you a copy of my book. Everything you need to know for the Outer Order is in here. Do feel free to get in touch with me if you have any problems or questions. Be kind, D." Wow. That was nice of her. I flick through the book. It is thick and heavy, nicely printed, with a great deal of densely printed text, diagrams and symbols. I see from the table of contents that there is an article entitled 'An Overview of the Kerubic (Outer Order) Initiations'. Turning to it, I read: "The Society of Mysteries is like many organisations devoted to the study of occult science in that it has a two-headed structure. There is an Inner and and Outer Circle with several grades, or stages of admission in each one. "If you are reading this you will have received at least the Bull level initiation in the Outer Circle of our Society, and if you are new to us, you may not yet know that there are three other levels in our Outer Circle. Beyond the Bull, there is the Lion. Beyond the Lion, there is the Eagle. Beyond the Eagle, there is the Man. "This essay will give an overview of all four grades of our Outer Circle, how they are structured, and what they are for." So much for the study lectures, then. X - I lie back on the bed, feeling dizzy and unsettled. Everything is happening at once and yet at the same time I am at a complete loose end. I have no idea what to do with myself. It is not even ten o'clock yet, so I know there is no point ringing Beth, not if I want her to be pleased to hear from me. I think idly about boiling the kettle to make some tea and slowly close my eyes. I am on a hillside looking down onto a valley. All around me is lush and green. Across the valley I see a familiar figure. She looks a lot like Beth. I wave at her, crying her name out loud, but she doesn't seem to hear me. I try to get across the valley to where she is, but what looked like lush green vegetation from the hillside turns out to be a thick line of bracken and thorny bushes. I get lost and panic. I wake up, still in panic. I breathe deeply, calming myself down. There is no reason to panic, I tell myself, everything is going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright.